Just When I Think The Tears Have Stopped - They Come Again
Just when I think that it can't hurt anymore, that the pain has dulled from a sharp stabbing pain to a dull ache, and it's an ache that to this day has never gone away, the pain, the stabs, the searing come back. And it hurts all over again. (There Are Times You Can't Stop The Tears)
The holidays seem to make it worse, probably because the holidays are over commercialized with happy families every where. When we all know that some people have that, but many struggle with family get-togethers for the holidays. Those without family seem to long to be with family. And often those with family long to be away from family and seek some quiet time.
But it's during these times that no matter how hard I try to push it away, the truth is the hurt is there. And I have to remind myself that I am stronger than this. I can't allow myself to focus on the hurt but on the good. Think of Lil Man and how he counted (FINALLY) past 3 today. He skipped 5 and made it to 10, but at least he got past one two, one two. :)
Think of how last night, he called for me, yet again, and when I got to his room, he looked at me and said 'sshhhhhh quiet' ha. He's such a little smart a$$ like his dad. I asked him what he needed and he said 'Bobo (our elf) gone'. I said, "Bobo is gone?" He replied. "Yes, see Santa.".
Another night this week he told me he had 'water in eyes'. He'd been crying. Or when Bobo accidentally fell, and our dog Tula went to sniff him, Lil Man yelled "No, Tuwa, magic!".
I know that if I allow the hurt to consume me, that I'll be missing the good around me. So I have to consciously stop, take a breath and focus on the good around me. I may have some gaping holes in my heart that others have left, but the rest of my heart is full of love from those who love me, those who haven't left me, those who continue to support me, those who understand the pain, and their love is far greater than the holes made by others.